O U T

Ever since I was a kid I know that there is something different in me, something that I can’t explain how it happened or why it happened? A feeling that I have been trying to understand, escape and pretend to forget for the past 25 years. Yes, I had the most colorful life that every person could ever wish for. I had the best family and relatives and added to that are awesome cousins as well and amazing friends and people that surrounds me. I may not be rich and famous but I have everything that I wanted right now. But the big question is, is it really worth it for me to live a life full of lies and pretentions? How long will it take for me to not live in fear? How about my happiness?

The Story of My Life

From Pre-K to Kindergarten to Elementary I was a total achiever, I even had those collections of all the ribbons and medals I had all throughout the year. Then followed High School which was tough being in the cream of the crop in the City for I was in a Science High Class. During those years, Erik Erikson’s Psychosocial Stage of Ego Identity vs Role Confusion became so evident within me and the questions, who am I? and what can I be? existed. I had so much concern on how will I appear to others and trying to figure out my sexual identity. I remember before, I tried to like girls, I even tried to court a few but wasn’t a success at all and on the other hand, I also have the sense of attraction to my same sex. Because I failed to succeed that stage of my life, I had an unhealthy personality and self-sense.

Moving on to a more mature stage of early adulthood until adulthood, I would say that it was a big challenge for I have to balance life from the busy university schedule, extra non curricular activities and personal self-actualization. When I was in university I had to be cautious with my image and name as I am a student leader who I think should live as a role model to everyone. Because I was looking for that comfort and companion I tried to become close friends with other guys but in the long run, it seems that I looked bad into other people’s mind being with them all the time that I have to be cold to those guy friends and avoided them, even if I didn’t do anything I was just scared and always thought that they won’t make friends with me anymore and would hate me. I am always afraid of being left behind so I prefer avoidance to stay away from the issue.

When I moved to Cebu after my Nursing Degree, I had a different view of life. I felt freedom and acceptance especially working in a call center or business process outsourcing company where I met people of different gender and sexual orientation, people with amazing personalities that I came across with everyday motivated me to be true to who really I am. Although, I didn’t tell anyone yet aside from my cousins, close friends back in my hometown and some workmates but I think in Cebu I found myself. I found happiness.

Also Land of the Free

When I moved in Canada 2 years and 7 months ago, I was so excited for I am going to embrace a new chapter of my life but scared for I will be living with my family after a very long time of being separated from our mom and being away from my dad and brother for 2 years. That notion of being prim and proper is back again trying myself not to disappoint my family for being gay popped out into my mind. I tried to live a life full of precautions and not to be loud and open as I was back in Cebu. But I said to myself, this isn’t me! This has to stop, because it is really hard for me to do things that I don’t want t and I am not happy.

2 months ago, I was in a journey of being a photographer. I travelled to some parts of the province and British Columbia I appreciated the beautiful creation that the Lord created and I met a very good friend where few days ago I had the chance to admit to him to who I am. I thought that was the end of friendship, but I was wrong, so wrong. He accepted me for who I am and gave me the courage to live not in fear and be true to myself.  Before New Year’s Eve I was telling my close friends and cousins that I have decided and I already have the courage to face my family and the world but I wasn’t too sure when in 2015? But last night during our New Year party at our family friend’s house, Uncle Boom2x started to ask me if I wanted to say something, I was so scared and my heart was pounding so fast. After a while everyone got a chance to say something and seems that it will hit on me at the end. So, I took a deep breath and seized the moment and started to talk.  Everyone was so silent until I uttered the word I AM GAY my mom and dad came to me and hugged me and so I started crying and smiling. Then everyone followed and hugged me too. The last thing that I said as far as I can remember was this “It is only a sexual preference, but I will still be Carl, your good friend and my mom and dad’s good son and the best bother”.

It was indeed a good start for my year; I had a lot of responses from people who loved me and people that I didn’t expect will respond. It feels so amazing to be free and until now I am still ecstatic of what happened. I would like to take this opportunity to thank my mom, dad and brother and his grilfriend Danielle for the acceptance and for loving me unconditionally, to my cousin Kate here in Canada for being my avid supporter and adviser and always here to cheer me up, to the TER friends for being understanding and supportive, to Uncle Boom2x and his family for the generosity and pure acceptance,to aunty pinky for the comforting words you commented the other day, to the rest of the common party people faces at Anoos’ residence thank you for loving me so dearly,to my parekoi-Hanna de Jesus in Texas who has been my chat mate with this matter so with her sister Ate Giselle de Jesus and their mom- mommyoh you will forever be my other family and I will still be your adopted, to the rest of my cousins in the Philippines namely, Hannah, Winchie and Winchelli who knew who I am when I was in Cebu thank you very much you will always be my awesome cousins and playmates and also to my good friend Adam thank you for being genuine and amazing to me all the time. It may take a long entry for me to write everyone’s name but from the bottom of my heart my deepest gratitude for the acceptance and kind words.

It doesn’t stop here yet cause I have more battles to face, but one thing is for sure I will be the same person that everyone of you knew start from the very beginning.

One Reply to “O U T”

  1. Im glad now that you are starting to live your life away from all pretentions and lies. So proud of you Yan! Miss u

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